Today the forth Sunday in Lent I started this post yesterday but couldn't finish it.
In our readings today we are asked to sacrifice. to give up
something that will shake up our lives in an undeniable way to create a
strength and type of faith in us that has no compare.
“For it is love I desire, not sacrifice and knowledge of God
like burnt offerings ~Hosea 6:5
This week and the last 2 days were very time intensive and
stressful for me. My mother is losing ground and we finally needed
to transfer her to the hospital for a while. She was stabilized and sent back
to the residential care facility due to the current situation. We are closely
monitoring her health the best we can using the staff to be our eyes, ears
and our hands-on love.
I am telling you all this to allow you to take a few minutes to
realize your blessings during this time of unrest.
I had a few hours where I could be with my mother. I had to come
to the reality that those might be our last moments in this world together.
Going through grief processing and yet also praying that things don't end with
her alone (lock-down for safety where her care is)
We prayed and sang a bit. Her beautiful voice was broken and
soft, her words were mostly non understandable. There was fear in her eyes, but
I could see by her facial expressions that the music gave her calm. Singing and
music have always been my mother’s language of choice especially more so as
dementia crept in.
We listened to “Hail Mary,
Gentle Woman” so many times that night. I laid my phone by her ear on full
volume so she could hear it: it is still playing in my head this Sunday afternoon
as I edit this. I am surprised they didn’t ask me to turn it down, but the
staff knew.
Several times I needed to turn away, so she didn't see my tears:
as to not frighten her any more than she already was. She has a lot of fear and
anxiety in good situations and always has.
My mother thinks we are at war. The irony is we are; but with an
enemy we cannot contain. really her only audible words were of concern for my
oldest son who is in the military. Even
in this darkest moment, her love for others was unwavering.
I was able to video just a bit of this for him.
I kissed her, I held her, I pray this wasn't the end but tried
to be realistic and cover all of my bases as though it was. I always believe
regret is a dark whole to be avoided when possible. As they rolled her into the
transport van, I realized that this was probably the end of our earthly
relationship as we knew it.
It has taken me a bit to be able to internalize and articulate
gratitude for this situation. To have gratitude for those very few hours and
for this moment.
So many of us never get final goodbyes. I remember speaking with
a friend of mine years ago in her final days. the conversation was very open.
she was sad but also felt blessed to be able to prepare her children, let them
know how loved they are and take care of details. She has been gone many years
but Lisa your words gave me strength and were a gift Friday night. Thank you.
Thank you to her family for including so many in their journey. We are all better
because of the walk you shared.
I come to all of you as we face lock downs and fear to look for lessons
and gratitude where you can find it.
I will end with
"Trust in the Lord"
Micheline Edwards (c) 2020
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