Motherhood (Parenthood), Tangles and Grace

Almost 30 years ago this week my life changed forever. Okay to be fair that actually occurred approximately nine months prior to being handed a tiny bundle. Becoming a parent happened during some moment of unsuspecting activity that unannounced to me at the time would forever continually change the way I viewed everything the rest of my life. This change in my status would steer every decision I would make; every dollar I would spend, every breath I took and quite frankly cause me to consider not just myself but how my actions would impact others in my life. I seriously underestimated that the steering wheel for life as I knew it was now on auto pilot but yet I would somehow be responsible even if I didn't purposely drive in to the storm. Like Mary who said "yes" to God, when he presented her with the proposition of motherhood. Mary could not have even imagined where her life was going. We as parents we have no idea what ride awaits us. I often find myself thinking about where I am in life and where I am going and sitting here in a tiny airport in Fargo North Dakota while waiting for a delayed flight gave me plenty of time to ponder this. Most of my journey so far has been largely made up of being a caregiver. Even as a teen I spent many hours doing childcare, driving siblings, shopping for or transporting my mother and then moving directly on to parenthood. Time spent on what I wanted vs what others needed was always a collision in my head; a set of compromises. Life is full of these instances at every turn (even if you are not a parent), learning to manage what you want out of life while still being gracious and caring for others thoughts, dreams and needs. Often our dreams are not met; the ideal visions in our minds are not what life deals us. So often in life we are driving along see a fork in the road and even with our best efforts to go one way; a higher power grabs our wheel and takes us another direction down an unknown dirt road. Dirt roads are messy; there is dust, noise, our hair gets blown into tangles and it can sometimes be boring. Sometimes there is a party at the end and often it is just a long drive with another turn coming. Often dirt roads are like life when we look back and the dust settles we realize that the ride was a beautiful drive and we wish we had driven slower and enjoyed the smells, the grit in our teeth and the breeze in our hair. I had the interesting privilege to attend a moms group this week. I use the words interesting because, I have attended many of these meetings over the years and this proved to be an interesting and enlightening experience. Interesting was a key word this time. This time I was simply a guest, a fly on the wall but with a voice. I was the mother who wasn't changing diapers, cleaning toys and struggling with identity. I sat there and listened to the voices in the room but was hearing myself as a younger mother. Hearing the struggles I often thought were due to my lack of options; yes moms often feel trapped even if they love their children. Hearing words that I would have uttered not so long ago. Sitting there I wanted to scream, to tell these young women to savor every mess they cleaned, every tear they wiped and to stop second guessing their choices and decisions. I wanted them to know that the dirt road they were on was messy but the best one they would ever drive on and that there would eventually be a turn. At that next turn there would still be great roads ahead but this was the BEST one, the slowest, dirtiest, most hair tangling one, that sometimes went on for days with no end in sight. I wanted them to drive slower and smell the air around them. I wanted them to see the gift of grace in the everyday; the good, the bad, the plans executed flawlessly as well as the failures. I realized over the years that while your visual of things doesn't always match up with what you get handed, there are no failures in life only lessons that allow us to discover grace. Grace isn't just the giving or the taking (or even the thanks we receive for a job well done) but it is the navigation system you use along the way. Grace is surely the gift of giving: but is also how you navigate not getting your way, receiving compensation or seeing the whole picture. It is undeniably your ability to move through life with a glad heart. I sat there at the round table that night and listened to these young mothers. I realized that my answers to the questions they were seeking truth in; were drastically different than they would have been when I in their respective places. My truth, my honest heart is to put grace above my wants or the vision in my mind of perfection and to be in the moment. My answers to them were to savor each moment, and every dent or tangle they receive along the way. God did not design us to be pictures of perfection but to be human. It is in our nature to question, have free will and we as well as those around us will fail or be questioned. Often we self-inflict. Young mothers and young fathers don't question who you are, what you are doing or how you arrived there. Enjoy the ride, learn from the past and leave no regrets. Be gracious in your pursuits of joy as everyone around you is on the same journey. Copyright 2014 Micheline Edwards

Giving Outward… So as I sit here looking out my kitchen window I realize just how fast the first part of our new year has flown by. We have already said our resolutions and most of us broken them and or started them over several times. We have looked for the ground hog and sent love to those we care about. As we begin the first week of March the Mardi gras celebrations and the parties that surround Fat Tuesday are in full swing. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. We are called to begin another Lenten journey which will end on Holy Thursday as we celebrate the Lords supper and His rising again on Easter. As a Catholic I am called as others in my faith to observe certain practices ranging from prayer, fasting, penance and attendance at certain Mass’ as well as the calling of us to partake in almsgiving. Over the years I have written several takes on this. Today as I observe the ones I love going through different things in their lives, some experiencing joy and others sorrow. I feel a calling of not only giving but sharing and change. A few weeks ago I had a non-Catholic friend make a reference about how she was in church where she thought she should be feeling the most secure with the problems facing her but yet she felt as though she could do nothing other than cry. “Why is it,” she asked, “where you feel as though you should be most secure you feel so alone?” I wanted to tell her that her feelings were not those of being alone but those like a small child often has when they break down with a parent or loved one. They were the feelings of being able to let your guard down around those who you feel the safest but these feeling are often very humbling as well. Those feelings she was having were the presence of our Lord when she needed him. Often when this occurs we do not see or feel it that way. At times we are all like the tired or ill child that causes strife to those who love him most. We are often left only with anger or sadness. As a Catholic we often spend time with Our Father alone or in groups but in silent prayer or petitions in a practice we call Adoration. It is a time that we go and sit alone with our thoughts and get to know God. We pray for intercession, thanks, peace and understanding. We search during these times to know Him at a deeper level. Usually during Lent our family practice is not to give up soda or coffee or to turn the TV off but to “give” for the 40 days preceding Easter. Our society leads us to believe that this is to “give up” and maybe even heavy our hearts with burden. I feel that we are not being asked to give up material objects or practices just to give away something or to do without. It is not just to give up but to “give outward”. We usually clean out closets and such and give to charities during this time but this year (and I will probably do this still). This year I feel a calling to “give outward” and lead. Tomorrow is day one of Lent and I haven’t decided my plan of execution yet, but God will provide me with a plan. The purpose of giving up during this time is to grow in Christ and leaving cheese off of my grilled sandwich just doesn't seem adequate. Maybe I will start by inviting a friend to Adoration. Maybe that friend goes regularly maybe not. Maybe that friend will be Catholic maybe not. Maybe that friend will go with an open mind and in the quietness of the church they will hear Gods voice. If they leave with their hearts open and their minds calm they will know He was there. What better way to give, than to help a friend or someone in need than to extend a hand as they humble themselves before Christ. How precious to receive the gift of hearing Gods voice and knowing He is there. Such a gift is grace and grace is the foundation for giving. In Lent this year, “let’s not give up but make our choices so that we may give outward to others” and become better than we have been and grow deeper in our relationship with Christ.......

The Greatest of Loves

Happy February to all of you passionate people out there, I hope your Valentine’s Day was amazing. With love being the theme for the month I did some serious soul searching to narrow down what was on my mind. It started with a trip earlier in the month with a friend to work on her daughter’s wedding. Later I mixed things up in my head with thoughts of my parent’s upcoming 50th wedding anniversary. While shopping for this and that at the local hobby store we found hundreds of beautiful items and suggestions for celebrating the momentous event where two people manage to meet and gaze into each other’s eyes and spend some great date time. All of this is usually done in all their Sunday best attitudes and apparel; not too messy. A few months down the road after thinking this is the cat’s pajamas they decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Everybody cheers and congratulates them for “learning to love another” and they skip off to ever after. The start of ever after usually involves a big party,multitudes of flowers and lace, tuxes, fancy dresses, lots of food, dancing and lots money. It involves photos to preserve the moment for all eternity. In our circle it also usually involves a promise made before God. This promise is one neither party can truly grasp the meaning of until they have been married for many years. We send them on their way with well wishes. As I shopped for wedding things with my friend I remembered I needed to start planning for my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. I wandered down to the silver (25yrs) and Golden (50yrs) matrimonial section of party central. Sadness came over my heart as I noticed that as a society we spend more time, energy and resource on celebrating a lifetime of love BEFORE it really starts than to celebrate with great joy the amazing lifetime commitment of those who have actually honored their vows before God, mopped up puke on holidays, held hand during the birth of new life, cried together as they said goodbye to loved ones and watched each other go from the sexy youngster they gazed at originally to a person who is wiser, gray and more wrinkled. In the section for these celebrations there were just a couple of silly plastic twenty five and fifties along with some token crap (forgive the term but it was crap). I decided to look other places later on. What I found was the same crap, usually more or less of it but nothing of great beauty or joy like you found in the wedding section.The cheap plastic crap began to symbolize the lack of importance that spending a lifetime with someone should hold. So here is what I began to think what if when a couple got married we said, "Hey this is great! Congratulations on making your decision; to try to accomplish, knowing one of the greatest of loves. Let us know when we can start planning your 25th or 50th wedding anniversary. We are so happy for you it will be a journey of a lifetime". What if the big reception was thrown in honor of actually achieving a lifetime of commitment to another and still knowing (most days anyway) that your life would be so much less without that person. What if upon an engagement a young couple spent years planning THIS big event taking careful notes of what was important or meaningful to the other. What if the dinner served was her Sunday pot-roast he loved for 50 years, prepared by their children and all their friends shared this special treat. What if the flowers were chosen because he brought them to her after each of their children was born. What if the vows were renewed and this time the couple knew the meanings of for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. What if there was substance to the celebration and it was something that was anticipated and looked forward too for many years? What if as the celebration occurred the couple thought back on all the good times and bad and knew that they had really...really gone the distance. How much sweeter this special day would be. So much more special even than the wedding that is really just a firm starting ground. In our society we would never allow a graduation to take place before the education. We wouldn't give a trophy before the game ended. Yet in the institute of Holy matrimony we do just that. How many of us would finish anything if the prize, graduation, desert came first? If we were promised a desert, without finishing the meal? Would some of us even make an effort when the main dish was hard to swallow? Maybe we should put less into the start of marriage, more into building and succeeding in it and celebrate joyfully at a lifetime of accomplishment. There are only really a few really great loves in our life most of the time it takes us many years to recognize these for what they are; although some occur at an intimate starting block instantly. The love of our Lord, the relationship we have with our parents, our spouse, children, grandchildren and siblings. Some of us grow to love extended family and friends how blessed we are when we can add these to our love box. The greatest loves are the ones we build upon, struggle with, breakdown and rebuild with purpose to gain a stronger tie to someone we care deeply about. Those loves deserve; in my opinion the grandest of celebrations when they occur. (the photo below is of our 25th anniversary a couple of years ago when we finally got to go on our honeymoon; I know we appreciated that time together so much more now than we would have at the start) Copyright2014 Micheline Edwards

Thanksgiving wishes...

“Let brotherly love continue. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for in doing so some have unwittingly entertained angels” ~Hebrews 13:1-2 Happy Thanksgiving to all of our friends and family. As you open your hearts and homes over the thanksgiving; here is my wish for you. May your heart delight in the simple things. May you find joy in the everyday and cherish those around you. May the crisp cool air of the season fill you with renewed energy and a sense of peace. May you find the time to inhale the scent of the new and to run your touch across the passing of the old. May the bridges you cross give you internal growth and perspective. May you and yours have good health as we head into the holiday season. May you find forgiveness with your trespassers as they have also shaped who you are today and may you find wisdom to embrace all beings with God’s graces. May every dish you prepare or wash be done with love, it could be the last for someone close. May your meal be enjoyed with gratitude not gluttony. May your travels bring you pleasure and safety. May you place God into every endeavor this holiday weekend and may you find the presence of our Lord within everything you embrace. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of Jesus Christ in you” ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Remember God may have a special message for you to hear. Open your hearts and doors. The guest you invite to “dinner” may be the one to deliver it. Wishing you a blessed Thanks-Giving from our family to yours.......................... The photo is of my beautiful mother and I in 2012 celebrating her birthday, Thanksgiving and many blessings.

This moment....

What a busy and amazing whirlwind of activity surrounding us the last few months. Our home was filled with the laughter of small children most of the summer as I watched three little ones I had looked after a couple of years ago as babies. It was nice to see how they had grown and share the summer with them. The last month of the summer we were blessed with our two oldest grandchildren joining us. What a buzz of excitement as they swam in the creek, took care of farm chores, played in the woods and they saw their first fireflies!!! Great times were had riding down to the creek every night we were able too. We threw rocks in the water, waded on some evenings and waited for the fireflies to come out. We would ride back home well after bed time with their little voices still babbling even after the lights were out. My husband and I were soooo tired!!! I also spent one of the best summers a mother could imagine with my youngest son. While I admit I was a bit apprehensive as the process started. Our son needed a job and I needed help on the farm. I really was thinking in my “mom mind”; he would last about two weeks into this game of "side by side with mommy". I thought, he would be feeling smothered and want more money and he would bail. To my surprise he did not. We spend the summer sharing chores, working on the farm, talking about life and sometimes enjoying lemonade on the patio in the late afternoon as the little ones napped. While my plan was to make him go look for a job; "you know, grow up a bit". I am so glad he decided to work from home. I told my husband that we had the best summer ever! We didn’t do big things. Every day was an adventure whether we were hosting guests on our farm, working outside, preparing dinner together and talking about the day or his future plans. Yesterday my husband and I took our youngest up for a college visit; he will be transferring next fall. I am sad he may be leaving but so excited for him! It was awesome to hear his advisor tell him how well prepared he is to move into this next phase in his life (both academically and emotionally). We got home and after being gone all day I went out and mowed till after dark. When I came in my son said mom could you help me with some homework? At first the “bubble over my head” said “really, now??”: Good thing we don't really have comment bubbles over us!! Being a mom I said sure, after I shower. I got out of the shower and helped him a bit, he had most of it done. As he closed his books he said “mom, you know you need to wait until after this year to go back to school” (I was planning on returning next semester) I said really why? He replied, "Because I still need you". My husband and I had discussed earlier in the evening after the long day, that we never knew how we juggled five children!!! My husband said... “We didn’t”. I stood there for a minute and pondered this. He was right we didn’t manage anything! We just ran by the seat of our pants and tried to enjoy every minute of it. No matter what you are finding in your life today, extra children, broken appliances/cars, sickness, kids that won’t go to bed because of excitement about life, never ending homework, the daily grind of house work, rain, failed plans for the day… keep in mind to “Enjoy this moment, this moment is your life”. Regardless of what you think is happening now you will always look back with a smile or fond memory. I usually start to write my blogs with some intentions of making an eventual path towards a message. This time I decided to just get back to the “pen” since it had been so long. Childhood and life is short,savor every moment. My children are all “adults” but they are my friends and my children. Each one brings something unique to our family and to my life. Take some time this weekend to enjoy your family even if you do it cleaning the garage or working on homework  My husband has told me several times that I am the only person he knows who can find a reason to celebrate every day. I say... Why not??? Some of our summer projects!!! o

Mother's Summer's and Time

Mother’s, Summer’s and Time. May is the month in our faith where we honor our holy mother Mary and mothers everywhere. We celebrate the hard choices and sometimes tough days a mother puts in. We pray for thankfulness for our mothers and for Mary our heavenly Mother. Mother’s Day was yesterday and the end of the school year is fast approaching. When my children were small Mother’s Day was one of those days I would always wish for a much anticipated break. I was so tired. We frequently would spend the day taking the children to Worlds of Fun; a tradition that started when we lived up in northern Missouri. We were a young family and funds were tight. The amusement park would always offer “Mom’s get in free” on Mother’s Day. So it was the “best little vacation” we could afford (Bonus, our only child at the time, got in free). As we added children the trips continued and became a much expected family time. We moved back home and the drive was long (now 4 hours) but we still tried to go at least once a year. It was so much fun but so much stress and work for my husband and I to take all five peeps on this or any other excursion. Mother’s Day was awesome but hardly quiet or restful! School letting out for the summer always provoked comments from friends such as “only a few more days of quiet, then the kids will be home all summer”. In our house this wasn't the case as our children were already home, because we chose to home educate. During the school year we had a set routine and schedule we tried to follow during the day so the “I’m bored” and “what are we going to do today” were kept at bay. Keeping this schedule was often tiring. At the end of the day I was worn out from being Mom, teacher, housekeeper, cafeteria lady and sometimes the principal (although I did attempt to push the last one off on my husband whenever possible’ haha). I often would get dinner on the table just in time to leave to go teach classes or deliver a baby (which more often than not involved being up all night). When summer rolled around I was relieved we could plan our “Field Trip Friday” any day of the week or just do nothing during the day. I cherished those hot lazy afternoons. The children sometimes got cranky or whiny but from the years that had already gone by I was realizing just how fast time flies with parenthood. The children returning to school would have parents counting down the days till the house was quiet again. Not me; my house would not be quiet in fall nor would it be empty. Maybe more structured, busier, but always anticipated. As the children returned to routines we would also with five children load up on the biggest dose of little league style sports ever. Oh my how we wished for a weekend without 8-10 soccer games! There were some weekends we simply prayed that all the kids actually played in the same town so we didn't have to manage two car loads going 2-3 hours away in different directions. Sometimes we even ended up sending a third child with a friend in yet another direction. The past few years have slowly wound this pattern in life down for us. The last school or extracurricular activity we will ever attend as parents was this past weekend. What will we do with open weekends this fall! I am sure we will; or our now college age children, will come up with some amazing time fillers. What mother or father doesn't yearn for some peace and quiet? This Mother’s Day four of our five children were away from home. The one child home did manage to fill our home with the joy and the laughter of several teens. We hosted the post prom party and several stayed till well after breakfast and into Mother’s day. Quiet no, different yes. Later in the day as we sat down to dinner just my husband, my son and I; it was quiet. Not sure how I feel about this yet (haha). When I used to teach parenting classes we would talk about those first precious weeks. I would tell the new mothers that they would dream of sleep if only they could actually get some sleep! I would tell them how they would get up in the morning and sit in a bathrobe nursing/rocking a baby. As the day would go along they would be doing much of the same. At some point they would be dreaming of a hot shower (as a parent, you often don't get one... even when the day is done). At the end of the day you will be found still in your bathrobe in a rocking chair and without a shower. You will try to rationalize this with yourself and even attempt to explain to your husband or others why this occurred. You sat all day or so it seemed. Somebody did make dinner, do the dishes, care for the baby, wash tons of baby laundry and maybe even “gasp” leave the house in their disheveled condition (you knew you smelled like spit up and sour milk but had to go)! You know you did do something besides sit in a rocking chair and change diapers; but what you’re so tired your mind draws a blank. During times like this and others throughout parenthood we often think, “will I ever get to sleep in or shower” (and other things we dream of getting done). You settle into this routine and take it for granted. Suddenly you get up one morning and go to hold and rock your baby and he crawls off your lap. You pick him up and he screams to get down. At first you are excited. You get that “hot” cup of coffee you were yearning for and sit down. Joy ensues when there is more in you, than on you for the first time in weeks or months! You finish the coffee and pick up the baby. The earlier situation repeats; in that one instant you know just how special (trying for sure but…) precious those fleeting moments of parenthood really are. These types of moments will repeat themselves over and over. Some parents learn faster than others and quickly begin to savor every moment. Other parents don’t ever really get it till their children are grown and yet a scant few will never get it. How sad for them. I always told the new mothers it will seem as though this phase (the rocking chair stage) will never end but in reality it ends all too soon. Don’t ever pass up a moment when you can do something with your child. There will be lots of time later when they are grown when you may be alone and in the quiet. On those days you will wish you could enjoy your child’s voice in your home. You will want the noisy family trip on Mother’s Day and maybe even give anything to know that school will be out in a few days and those noisy, sticky, dirty little (or large) feet will be running a muck through your home. Older people especially grandparents know this life lesson well. How blessed you and your children will be to learn it early. How sad it is to have a child overhear a parent say “I dread summer vacation with the kids’ home all summer”. We always try to plan a special something when school gets out, even if just an ice cream date the first day of summer. I will be taking my high school senior on his “last” (although I hope it won’t be) “summer vacation kick off ice cream date” next week; I can’t wait! Let your child know you cherish the months ahead with them. They will in return cherish you. Copyright 2013 Micheline Edwards The photo of me and the baby, is me on my First Mother's day with my oldest son. The photo of the grown man handing a baby frog to the little boy is my oldest with his son sharing a simple moment. The others are some things we have enjoyed in summers past. Activities don't need to be expensive or complicated your children just want to "DO....... WITH YOU".

Tests, Graduations and Good Things

I was at home this morning sorting out the week’s calendar, calls and correspondence. I believe I had one, two or three cups of coffee too many and my brain went into overdrive. We have so much on our approaching calendar and so much to be thankful for. We will be celebrating with two of our five children this month as they attend their respective graduations. We have one high school graduate and one college graduate. There is also an “unspoken sort of graduate” approaching as well. I am graduating from having young children in my home. All of our children will be (after this month) either in college or beyond. This doesn't represent the end of parenting but like a high school or college graduation it represents a lot of changes/choices I will need to be making in my life this year. Two of our children are still living at home (while they attend their first couple of years of college). When they are at the house I hope to be there also, to share their lives, their joys, their concerns and the daily jumble of things they encounter. Alas, I also know that at their ages these sharing sessions are different and also come at weird times; midnight, two in the afternoon, when they are hungry (lots of boys!) or a having a crisis. The sharing is not always the breakfast, bedtime or commute conversation we had when they were smaller. There are times when they will want to take a walk and talk; or give me a call to share a special moment. For these treasured times I am very blessed. As parents we spend so much time living both through and with our children that as they grow we have a hard time separating our lives from theirs. I am not sure there is ever a true separation. I would hardly consider myself an empty nester. I am neither sad nor in mental turmoil over this change. I am in awe at the lively, beautiful, and Godly young adults before me. I am so proud of them. I can’t wait to see what they decide to do with their futures and how they shape and mold their own families as they marry and begin those chapters as well. Like a teacher at the end of the school year; this is the close of one year and the anticipation of the next. Most educators find joy in seeing their students in later years and hearing of the wonderful journeys they have taken. I have been my children’s teacher, mentor, friend and parent for most of my adult life. Now it is time to decide my new chapter. Returning to school, working, improving my business, hobbies, trips, dates with the love of my life, enjoying grandchildren and being active in my children’s lives are still all on the activity wheel of life. When we view being a parent before we are actually one, we seem to think that there is a clear cut break when the children move on. When we are actually parents we then look at the milestones; “When Jack is out of diapers”, “when Susie starts school”, “when we don’t need a sitter anymore”, “when Amy starts driving”, “when Mark graduates”. Well folks, I have passed a lot of “whens” and I have to tell you there is always going to be another “when” waiting if you are an involved parent that loves your child(ren). This is however a time in every parent’s life when the “whens” and the “I can take a different route” come together. I haven’t decided what route that is going to be. I know it needs to lead somewhere and I have several destinations I am entertaining; but none of them seem to be jumping up and down and waving at me. None of my choices are hanging on my pants leg whining or sticking their fingers under the bathroom door saying they need me. I am not used to choosing without a squeaky (although always precious) wheel or a school calendar dictating for me. There are times when prayer is the best answer and this is one of those times. As graduation approaches for my children, for my friend’s children, for my friends who’s “whens” are diminishing and for my own self I pray. ~ “Dear heavenly Father may you look upon all those graduating onward to new adventure in life and grant them these blessings; May their weeks, months and years ahead become a molding of the future they envision. Guide them with peace and direction so that each and every one of them on their continued journeys finds joy, happiness and grace in what they choose. May they search in prayer for your will and guidance in each decision they make. Lord may you walk beside them always and hold their hands when needed and grant them bright futures” Amen.” ~ While there is no grand “Umf” to this post, there is a message to move forward in life with purpose, grace and prayers for wisdom in your choices. Sometimes the choices we make in life are simple and sometimes like hearing God when he speaks to us; answers to choices are not easily seen or heard. I will look forward to the coming busy calendar days this month with glad heart (and a little stress). I will hope and pray that the choices I make and those my children make serve God, themselves and those they love and care about with purpose and joy. “Test all things, hold fast to what is good” ~1 Thessalonians 5:21. I will hold fast to family and what is good. I will also test all the new things coming into my life and hope that everyone does the same. Congratulations to all those who are graduating on to new and wonderful things this spring! Copyright Micheline Edwards 2013